I don’t know if I should thank you for stopping by to read this or tell you to head for the hills and click “next”! There’s a whole lot of rambling ahead..

It’s Saturday morning, my kids have been up since before 6:30 and I just made the worst cup of coffee in my life. This day should go amazing! There’s a birthday party today, my husband is tailgating at the Buckeyes game (O-H…) and my dog just ate our daughter’s stuffed fox that she never plays with. Naturally, she’s completely and utterly distraught.

This blog is going to be therapeutic for me, at least that’s what my original thought was. I have my doubts that it just may be the crazy upside down world of mine becoming exposed to the world and everyone’s going to make that “er..mah..gawd” face the next time they see me. I have seen worse friends. I have two kids who are 20 months apart. I was crazy long before they got here!

Back story..

I have been married for 9 years. We have a red golden retriever named Sully, but he is sometimes referred to as “Baddest”, or “Goodest”, depending on what I come home to at lunch time or after work. A lot of our comedic relief in the house revolves around Sully and his crazy world of tail chasing and eating my clothes, no one elses. Just mine. (ass).  Moving forward, we have a son who is 7 and a daughter who is 5 going on 25. Our son was diagnosed at 2 with severe apraxia of speech and was told he would probably need an ipad to talk for him as life continued. Guesssss what folks, several intensive speech therapies a week for several years, lots of medical bills, Occupational therapies, an arsenal of different doctors and he officially never stops talking! It’s pretty amazing. Believe in therapy, it works. On top of that, he developed some other issues such as Sensory Processing Disorder (I never knew this was a thing, it’s real), High Functioning Autism, ADHD (which has now been removed), Anxiety and a multitude of other diagnosis.

Here’s the thing, you are probably sitting there all doe-eyed saying WHOA! This girl’s got a lot of shit going on, that poor boy. DON’T YOU EVEN…

The worst thing you can say to a mom with an out of sync kiddo is, awww, I’m so sorry! Don’t be sorry, be amazed! My kid is pretty awesome. Yes, we have some tough shit that happens several days a week and we have lots of behavioral stuff going on and crazy things that you cannot even imagine, nor would I ask you to try. BUT. My kids are awesome. I signed up to be a mom. That is my job, and not my 7-4 job. That is my forever job. I love my kiddos unconditionally with every ounce of life I have, even when they are being assholes. Don’t look at me like that. Kids can totally be assholes. And no, I am not calling my child with learning disabilities an asshole, I am saying he can BE an asshole. Huge difference. I have had more things thrown at me, more crazy words yelled at me and more dirty looks and shade thrown at me than I have in my entire life, including those early 20’s when I had too much too drink and was carried from lord knows where home. I made dad proud many many nights with those phone calls!

Our daughter, is awesome. She wants to be a veterinarian / astronaut someday. She is full of compassion and tolerance and is one of the funniest kids I have ever met! Both of our kids are very very smart. They also love each other dearly and are each other’s best friends. Pretty awesome right? Listen, I get to brag on occasion about the less crazy things in our lives, so here is my own personal shameless plug. If our family has taught each other anything it is, we love each other and we support one another through everything. The first minute you’re being a jerk, you’re outta here. Get on, move out. If you don’t want to play with my kids, you are missing out. If you don’t want to hang out with us, we don’t want to hang out with you either. Na Nana boo boo! Too much?

So.. this week has been rough. Our son has been detoxing off of the ADHD medications he was put on that have not worked. Why haven’t they worked? Well after approximately 10 of them over the course of almost a year and a half, we get the new ruling of, WAIT! He doesn’t even have ADHD! He has extreme anxiety because of all the crazy shit he’s been put through!  Thank you. Thank you. So, in turn he has turned into a tiny terror of great strength. This is no joke. I also am stating DO NOT give me that “how dare you medicate your 7 year old child”,  “medication is the medical field making money”, “boooo pharmaceutical,’. Listen. You worry about your kid. I will worry about mine. We as parents have a job to do, we all have opinions and not everything works for every child. Our job is to make sure our kids are happy, healthy and well rounded, mind body and soul. When one of those is out of sync, the whole body is out of sync. It just is what it is! (for other reference we have also done counseling, essential oils, special restrictive diets and a multitude of other things.)

Our son goes to an amazing school for kiddos with learning disabilities. The faculty is amazing. They have a therapy dog that everyone loves. Including myself. I find myself sitting on the floor calling for her some days at school because I need some anxious lovin myself!

Anyhoo.. again, this is my life. Just roll with it and hopefully you find yourself relating somewhere. I also type like I talk. IT’S EVERYWHERE! pardon my potty mouth too, or don’t!

Birthday parties. OMG WTH MOM! We have my best friend’s daughter’s birthday party today at the park. I love her dearly but I dread birthday parties. It’s at a park. Reminder, my husband is at the OSU game. So it’s me.  I still have to take my kiddos to the store to get wrapping paper and a card. I don’t even know how I am going to manage that without hearing “can I get something?” “mom can I get something small (also known as small BUT expensive)”.  No.. No you cannot ‘WTH MOM!?’  My kids have been spoiled beyond all recognition. I need to get them hypnotized and bring them back to “Poor Status” lol There is dirt outside and trees. Go play in the dirt, go climb a tree.

But seriously.. birthday parties are exhausting. It’s also like 40 degrees out. I have no idea where hats and gloves are for the kids! I can’t get out of it.  I hate that I have to let them loose, then play marco polo to try to make sure I know where they are at all times. Why can’t there be a gate all around the playground and one entrance. Just one. You get in the same way you get out. There’s always that one suspicious person lingering around and you stare at them the whole time like they want your kid. PFT.. you don’t want my kid. One is really loud and the other will talk your ear off. Then you find out it’s someone’s friend and they are really sweet and you are an asshole.

I don’t get to enjoy myself at kids parties. It’s a lot of fake smiles, waves and OMG DON’T EAT THAT!!  DO NOT OPEN HER PRESENT! THAT IS NOT YOURS! WHY DID YOU STICK YOUR FINGER IN THEIR CAKE? (grabs a spoon to try to smooth it out but makes it worse). I basically sweat the entire time and plan our family escape and the right moment to do it without tears or making a scene.

Why can’t kids be tiny adults at this point. I guess technically we would all like to stick our finger in the cake or open presents to see what someone else got. Maybe I’ll take wine in a thermos today or spiked cider..  who am I kidding, I’ll be hitting up starbucks.

I guess I need to go get my life together and do some laundry and get breakfast cleaned up or go be “a mom”.

Welcome to Episode one.. hopefully you check back for episode two.





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