Having a kiddo on the spectrum is hard. It’s not easy. It’s a lot of work, patience, love, stress, self control and so many other things. Every day is a learning curve from the day before. No day is the same, no day’s tricks will consistently work for the next.
Today was one of those days. I spent the weekend taking the kids to birthday parties (not easy), Target (very expensive), an inflatable place today (sensory seeking heaven), dinner, etc. I did a lot with them. I had them play outside, read, play games, just tried to be everywhere at once for everyone. It just doesn’t always work.
He just wants more from me, in the moment right then, right there no deviation. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MCDONALDS’ THERE ARE ON MY DRIVE TO EVERY PLACE? And not just McDonald’s but the road signs. Dear lord.! He sees those golden arches and shit hits the fan. It’s my fault for giving in so many times and even introducing fast food, but who would have ever known it would become a serious thing?! A lot of kids on the spectrum, as well as kids in general, are super picky eaters and when they get triggered by the one thing that one food that is a treat, holy hell. I did not give in. I just kept saying “I understand you are hungry” (and thinking of ways to dodge the next sign), I understand you want food. I do hear you (and so does the car driving next to us on the highway). Then I got off on the next exit to turn myself around into another direction! He caught on and said “Hey! You escaped!” or something goofy like that lol.
Every time he gets upset, it’s directed at me. At least most of the time. He somehow feels I stopped him from doing something that he wanted. I take a lot of the brunt of some of his episodes. My husband told me to walk way tonight. I politely informed him, I can walk away every time, but it does not save me from getting my feelings hurt little by little. It sucks! I know he doesn’t mean it, he’s acting out looking for a reaction, but it still sucks! But then I feel like an awful parent for ever thinking “I wish he would just say thanks for all that I do for him”. Then I feel like that should just be a common thing, not something I need to pry out of him. It’s not easy.
Actually, it sucks.
I love him so much. I don’t mean to pull out all of the negatives, but it’s ben a trying day. I feel like I cant do anything right. The sky may be blue, but if I tell him that I’ll probably be told I am lying lol. Then my daughter has been chiming in all day “I want to do something fun”. Um.. we did… I took you to the inflatable place. “I want you to surprise me with something else”… uh yea. Thats just not in the cards kiddo, but thanks for trying! Here’s your bike, pedal away!
Bedtime is coming. Bedtime is coming. (I think I am trying to convince myself of this). I know tonight they will snuggle up and give me hugs and kisses and read a story with me and all will be well. I will forget how they acted and the little buttheads they were. I will talk to them about their week ahead and how much I love them and how proud they make me. I will close their doors and smile enchantedly, then breathe in deep and sigh.. because I know they have to wake up in a few hours and we get to start this all over again.
I count my blessings with every sunset and sunrise. Everyday is a new day.